It’s so hard to think of what to say when life gets crazy. Finances are really tight, stress level is high. I am rarely able to get online or check email these days. In some ways things are really good. The family is getting along better than we have in a long time, and it’s really nice. But my teenagers alternate between confusing me and breaking my heart. The little ones alternate between telling me how much they hate me and smothering me in hugs and kisses. I’m trying to stock up on those hugs so I have a reserve for the bad days.

I have given up eating well or running or taking care of myself in any way, shape or form. It’s just temporary, but I really don’t have the energy or stamina for it right now.

Phil and I saw Iron Man tonight. It was a fun & entertaining movie, and we really enjoyed it. We were previewing it for my 14 year old to see tomorrow, and I’m sorry to say he’s not going to be able to see it. We own a Clear Play DVD player, and this is one that I prefer he wait and watch filtered when it’s released on DVD. There is a brief sex scene & some of the terrorism / violence I think is a bit much for his age.

Today I really struggled to get in my daily exercise. There just was not a good opportunity, and if I hadn’t been so committed it would not have happened. I ended up doing a Pilates DVD workout & it was quite fun. The boys worked really hard to try and keep a straight face, but I did catch them snickering more than once. I read my scriptures, I planned tomorrow’s meals, I took my vitamins at breakfast and lunch (forgot them at dinner), and I spent 15 minutes tonight putting away clean laundry that would have otherwise been procrastinated.

Tonight instead of sitting around & feeling sorry for myself, I decided to do something different.

Tomorrow is May 1st.  So I’m writing out a list of the things I commit to doing in May.  I want a different life, and maybe this will help me get there.  Anyway, here goes:

1. Read my scriptures every day.
2. Exercise daily, with the exception of Sundays.
3. Spend 15 minutes each night tidying the house, after the kids are in bed.
4. Decide each night what I will eat & serve the following day.
5. Take my vitamins.

So it’s a small list, but I think it’s do-able.  Hopefully it will make a noticeable difference.

It is sooo hard to get out the door these days.  I really want to start running daily again.  I miss the endorphins, the increased energy, the quiet time to think, and the pounds dropping off almost effortlessly.  But even with all those reasons, it’s so much easier to do anything but get out there and run.

I enjoy running with Phil but he’s a lot faster than I, and a lot busier than I. If I wait for him to run with me, it rarely happens.

So yes, I need to just get out there and do it, with or without him.  But if there was someone nearby who ran at my own very slow pace, it would make a world of difference.  And it would be something to look forward to.

I’m ready for a change but I feel powerless to change anything.

I’m tired of where we live & how we live.  I am tired of my husband working around the clock, tired of crying kids, and tired of being a slave to cravings and circumstances.

I want a hobby, or a job, or something to balance out this lopsided life I lead.  But I don’t have the time / money / energy / freedom to do anything different than what I do every minute of every day.  So instead I’ll be the victim.

It doesn’t take much to entertain these guys. The little ones spent all morning hopping around in garbage sacks.

Playing in the sink is her favorite past time.

I am so frustrated. I feel like everything in my life is out of control and I feel absolutely helpless to get control over any part of it.

I cannot get a handle on the amount of stuff in my house. Piles of laundry, piles of papers; I am tripping over things every way I turn. Honestly, no matter how much I throw away or donate, I cannot seem to get on top of things. For instance, I have most of the younger kids’ toys packed up and I still cannot find a clear spot on the floor of their room. EVERY DAY I spend time tidying up in there, and EVERY DAY it looks like a tornado hit. No joke. And this is just one room.

I simply do not have enough hours in the day to organize the paper that comes into this house. I have piles of bills on multiple counters in multiple rooms. A bit ridiculous, really, considering that I can’t afford to pay any of them right now. Honestly, I might as well dump them all in the trash because there is no point is keeping them. Hmmm… I just might do this, actually.

Laundry is a joke. I can do one load a day, or I can do seven. It doesn’t matter because there is never an end in sight. See it’s like one of those magical houses in the fairy tales. I can wash, dry, fold, and put away laundry all the darn day but each time I finish a load, two more appear in its place.

I am not exaggerating. It makes me want to cry. (But then, everything makes me want to cry these days.) If you saw my house - my closets, my garage, my drawers - you would cry too. It is so, so frustrating and draining and I just can’t figure out how to beat the game.

8 days in to a healthier way of eating and I think I’m on a roll.

To be honest I wasn’t sure I’d make it this far.

Surprisingly enough, the cravings are mostly gone. I say surprising because my favorite foods were all I thought about - all day long - in the beginning. So I couldn’t imagine going through a day without feeling sorry for myself & fantasizing about ice cream every hour. I certainly didn’t expect to get here this quickly.

Some good things: I have more energy, I can think more clearly, I’m down 12 lbs from a few weeks ago, my yeast infection is gone, and I rarely crave sugar.

Some bad things: Life seems less wonderful (because good food was the high point of my days), and it is still SO SO hard to resist when other people are eating things I can’t have.

I do pretty good at home, where the only foods I can’t have are white bread and cheese and I can live without those. But this weekend when I was surrounded by homemade rolls, birthday cake, ice cream, and soda, I felt very deprived.

Phil pointed out that if I start running again, I will have one thing that I can do regularly that brings me joy and makes me feel good.

Today was not such a good day.  But I learned a few things:

• Forbidden foods don’t taste as good in real life as they do in my imagination.
• Forgetting to take my vitamins has a huge impact on how I feel, as well as my cravings.

I woke up tired and sluggish with a headache.  I ate something I should not have.  It wasn’t as good as I expected, and I felt even worse after.  I felt so bad at one point that I thought only a Pepsi would help.  My sweet husband refused to get me one (I was too sick to get my own) and fed me chicken and veggies instead.  And to my surprise, I felt substantially better an hour later.

Day 3 is always the killer for me. By then the cravings set in and Day 3 is generally when I fold. So I was prepared for today to be a tough one, but I was pleasantly surprised.

Although it’s a little boring, I’m finding meat and veggies to suit me. I’ve been a bit tired and achy, but nothing like I expected. I’ve tackled two major cleaning projects the past 2 days, which is so unlike me.

The best part is that the cravings aren’t causing me to obsess much, and I haven’t had that nasty withdrawal headache that I always get by this point. I’ve cut out the Pepsi and the sugar, and normally that makes me pretty ill. I don’t know whether it’s because I’m taking care to eat a lot of healthy food around the clock, or because I’ve upped my water intake, or because I’m just lucky. But I’ll take whatever I can get.